AN OPEN LETTER TO MY PHONE

March 28th, 2016


Dear Phone,


We have been  really good friends for a long... long ...long ...time, and I really appreciate our conversations and all the times we have spent together; you already know those days have been such big memories I will never forget... for example, I remember that day when I was so sad, I was crying because you fell down from my bed and you didn't turn on!!!! ...That day was terrible !!!, but when I was about to give up, you ...dear, you turned on...it was like a supernatural event!!!. Thank you because you are still alive.

I know you are asking yourself why I am writing  this, but the only explanation is...I think it is enough for me, we are always together and I'm just fed up of our relationship, why don't you leave me alone?. To be honest, sometimes I think I must change you, but then I just wonder...Why did I fall in love with you?. You are so nice, kind and special to me, believe me, I'm always waiting for a text from you. This is so hard dear...when I'm busy and I can't see you, I just start missing you a lot, and I just try to figure this out....  how can I get you out of  my mind?
When I'm about to forget you, oh gosh!!!! I just realize ...I love you dear, I love you....

However, I'll have to get another one... I don't want to do it, but you are driving me crazy. So sorry dear.

Forgive me please.

Love, Johanna...your  darling...I think....

An open letter to a delicious chocolate cake

March 27th, 2016

Dear chocolate cake,

I must confess that you are the only reason why I feel happy about getting old. I would like to have you everyday, but unfortunately I have to wait a whole year to see you again in my birthday and to be able to eat you with no regrets. I would like to have you only for me, but I have to share you with family and friends... And I really hate it!!!

Seriously, why are you so delicious? Thinking it deeply I realized that you are not the problem! Actually, the problem it's me.

If I were thin I could eat you often but I'm not, so I have to be careful with what I eat, and you my dear, are one of those things that I have to be away from if I want to look like a regular weight person... although I dream about having a piece of you always by my side. I really want to say "thank you" because you are a good way to exercise my willpower.

I guess that I have no more options than waiting for my next birthday to see you again; until then I will look with longing the pictures from our last time together.

Sincerely,

Your secret lover

AN OPEN LETTER TO MY MENSTRUAL PERIOD

March 3rd, 2011

Dear Colombian Pacho,

          You have been my monthly partner since I was thirteen, but I don’t understand why you arrived at that time; It is supposed that your arrival means women become sexually mature, but I wasn’t a woman, I was a girl and I didn't have any possibility of having sex. So what was your purpose in that period of my life? Let me guess… to spot my clothes, and my chair, to ruin my going out to the pool, to welcome my acne and my nasty hair in my private parts, to make me feel like a baby who had to wear diapers, to sleep just in one way in order to avoid spotting my bed, to convince my self-esteem about the growth of my boobs, to make me a topic of conversation in familiar meetings where people ask my mom if I had already "enfermado"? What was your fucking purpose? -Whoops, sorry for my expression-…You see Mrs. Rule… or should I say Mr. Period? Mr. Pacho? The Visit? Mr. Andrés? are you hermaphrodite? (it is not the point, but define your gender please) ok, you! Menstruation! You have been a real problem, and not only for me, but also for other girls who are mother by error; if you visit girls later, maybe in their twenties, you can prevent teenager unwanted pregnancies, can’t you?

          Now I’m 22 years old, but I can’t stand you, every 28th, when you and your friends “menstrual cramps” come, I cry because of everything: because I’m fat, because I’m thin, because my boyfriend didn’t call me, because he did, but I feel his voice had a different tone, because I’m zonked, because I'm bored of doing nothing; in brief, I cry just for the fuck of it. Whatever the main problem is with you, what I really hate is that you are very inopportune…On “those days”, I feel more sexually active, but you are there and it is impossible to do what I want; you are in the wrong place at a wrong moment, I kinda hate you! Well, if you are going to continue being my partner for the next 20 years, please don’t come on Fridays, on weekends, on holydays, on Easter week, on vacations and neither on Christmas. Nevertheless, don’t scare me please, if I need you to come -and you know what I’m talking about- be PUNCTUAL my dear friend.

See you on Monday!

A Colombian girl